FINDING OUR INNER DZONG- Reflection on meeting a friend

 

Trongsa is an ancestral home of my grandfather and father. Trongsa Dzong is place of great significance to Bhutan, symbolising union of national conscience, visionary leadership and sovereignty and peace we rejoice today. Pelden tells me that the Dzong holds some 25 temples, some as old as the Dzong itself. I was even more enthralled when I learnt that it had taken more than three centuries to attain the grandeur it defeats all other Dzongs.

Pelden Wangmo is a Deputy Chief Education Officer at Trongsa Dzongkhag today, a stature of warmth and energy. We had graduated together to become teacher in 2002 and separated our ways into our world of service and personal lives. We were school mate too.

After 18 years, Search Inside Yourself brings us to meet again briefly to reconnect memories of the Khaling days at Trongsa which is a bridge between the East and West. She was a vibrant school girl then, a happy-go-lucky friend, full of chatter and laughter to fill the corridors and classroom. The gracefulness of a humble school girl has not faded much, except that the misadventure of a family life and tendering three children alone have made her a shadow of mellowness and womanhood.

What changed her was the life she has lived and challenges she is facing with strength everyday as a mother to three children. Her husband had died in a freak accident, after drowning in Pa Chhu at Paro. It had been a disastrous slap on her lively family, and life after that had never been same. Having learnt to live life for her children, as an example of an unforgiving mother, she has learnt to balance grit and grace as a leader and a mother.

Mrs. Pelden is a Desuup too. Amidst her parental role and after office work, she finds strength and joy to patrol Trongsa town once a week. What motivates her is how she is seen as an inspiration to other women friends. Her role as Desuup and a Deputy Chief DEO has become an example of possibility, strength and woman leadership for her friends and family. Teachers I met tells me that “Pelden is a gentle leader, interactive and warm woman of focus and determination. She is an understanding leader. Her warm words are what inspires us.” This resonates with my belief that leadership is not a stronghold of power and absolute authority, but the degree of greater responsibility I have to perform for wellbeing, growth and happiness of my staff and students.

She said, “I am in love with this place, mainly with the magnificent Dzong. I feel fortunate to walk to work every day, through the corridors of one of the longest, sacred and most important historical architecture of our country.” She shared this sentiment to 29 other friends in the SIY programme, with pride and joy.

Pelden says that, she “forgets every other thing that drains her once she enters the gate of the Dzong to her office.” She attributes this experience to the Dzong itself and the work atmosphere in her office.

Mrs. Pelden confides about her workspace. “I am trusted by Chief DEO and given full responsibility to what I do. That the three of us DEOs work seamlessly, sharing roles and opportunities for training and tours. Our work relationship is fluid, we know what each of us do, where each of us are going, and even take each other roles and opportunities for holistic learning. This is an experience I love in our office.”

If this is how everyone works in their offices, not driven by greed and arrogance and power, but by understanding feelings of others and our own, we can built Dzongs of grandeur in our hearts. If one humble monk can give rise to a fortress as mammoth as Trongsa Dzong, and many such across the mountains and rivers, it is not impossible us to become a better human. Search Inside Yourself is a tool that can question the grossness of life we lived and reveal possibilities for grandeur in our character, values and way of life.

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BUILDING A GOOD MARRIAGE

 

Tallest towers and the longest bridges, toughest adventures and the priceless victories, greatest battles and the memorable histories,  were not born with ease and comfort. Every accomplishments arise from the frictions, like the diamond polished from its rawness. Blood will be bled, ache will be felt, hope may be lost, but it will only be part of the journey we make. We may need little more courage, little more resilience to overcome defeating circumstances in our life.

Marriage is an adventure of filled with mystery, that challenges even the strongest promises and greatest hopes with which we began. No marriage has known romance to its end. Ability to respond to needs of each other, understanding the psyche of each other and celebrating every possible day together brings accomplishment for a marriage. 

It's even more miraculous that two different person by all history, morality, personality traits, education and experience can survive together for decades of living harmoniously, even if friction do incur sometimes. That is marriage, the marriage of many differences to seek wellbeing and happiness in living together.

Many marriages begin with a climax of romance, with beautiful experiences of love, affection and understanding. The climax often deteriorates year after year leading to building walls of doubts and distance, of chaos and disharmony at home and without any possibility for a true smile and laughter to live with. Beautiful marriage is not built on wealth and luxury alone. The essence of a great marriage is nurtured by overcoming differences, by understanding each other, by seeking ways to sacrifice for wellbeing of each other and family.

A good marriages deepen sense of security, it helps to feel belonged to, gives meaning to have a home and children, to have a reliable friend when sick and to rejoice romance of a family life. But these does not come with ease and without sacrifices from both sides. 

What began with a beautiful experience of falling love with a stranger, where everything about the other is beautiful changes after marriage, often relationship becoming sour.  The sourness hurts us, giving us opportunities to be patient, opportunities to understand the other, opportunities to learn lessons to grow strong. But it also must soon pass and leaving us injured. The injury is what binds the differences together if injuries can be overcome.

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BECOMING ‘KHE BABU’

 

“What is your ambition?” My class four teacher asked me, and that was more than two decades ago. We had little ideas about what we wanted to become in future.

 ‘Teacher’ was a common answer, and then doctor and engineer. My parents and relatives often said I would become ‘Khe babu’ when I finished studying. I didn’t know what that exactly meant but I guessed it was an important title in the community of illiterate people then. ‘Khe Babu’ is a connotation of a agriculture officer(babu in Hindi) in the village who distributed fertilizer(Khe in Sharchop) to the farmers. I didn’t like the title of a Khe Babu. I felt like it meant someone whose only work was distributing ‘Khe.’

I wanted to become an English teacher, because I loved English and this was inspired by my class four Keralite teacher. I raised my hand for teacher, and this continued to the high school classroom. 

One of the other inspiration was my own father who I learnt was a Dzongkha teacher and later an influential representative of the people to the government. When I knew him, he was a learned farmer, a respected aristocrat in the community. He was referred to as Lopen by everyone, and everyone seem to have some reason to come and meet him. I would see him talking and writing for people in the community. I and my brothers and sisters were referred to honorably as Lopen Ugyen’s ‘Sey and Sem.’ There was a deep sense of respect to my father and to our family. This status defined how I lived my childhood in a disciplined way, spending time meaningfully, balanced between work, play, studying and reading. I loved reading English comics and novels, and anything that is English. I was beginning to see myself as an English teacher as I crossed over from primary to high school. 

Today I am a teacher, but a science teacher, not an English teacher. I am teaching chemistry and biology mostly, but I am still in love with English. 

How did I become a Science teacher is a beautiful twist in my school life, driven by pride of academic success to go to Sherubtse College. It was the only premier college then in the country providing science at pre-university level. To be able to get selected to the most coveted college during our time to pursue science is a dream only some sixty students across the nation can get to become doctors and engineer. 

Only the cream of performing students would get to pursue science at Sherubtse, and unfortunately I secured board exam marks that caught me into it. It was a matter of pride for parents and relatives, and everyone’s dream to go to Sherubtse. I could not have been a fool not to grab the collegian life of freedom and romance, and for my parents a respect and pride.

The twist in my career hasn’t dampened my performance. In fact, the strength and eloquence of English language I had acquired in decades of reading has only made me a better science teacher. I was able to explain concepts and abstract science theories with ease and grandeur. I was best at how I explained what was atom to how science governed us by its laws.

Although I didn’t become ‘Khe Babu’ of the time, I am teaching how Khe is made, how Khe is important for farming productivity and how Khe can also be deterrent to health and environment. ‘Khe’ are fertilizers and it’s made from elements and compounds we learnt in chemistry. Chemistry teacher is a ‘Khe Lopen’ in some ways too.

I am happy about everything I am now.

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DIVORCE-The UNNECESSARY CONVENIENCE

 

'I am divorced.' He confessed.

There was no glint of regret in the eyes. The absence of glint often has story we can draw lesson from.

'I am going along with someone now. It has been three months since the divorce.' The confession felt like a healing note and the glint was acceptable.

I have survived a divorce that happened more than a decade ago, when I was naive to have held on when circumstance ripped out love at first sight marriage. I know what it must feel like.

Over the next fifty two minutes, we stood at the road side discussing his story and going deep into a culture we may have to reconsider. The story of our discussion was on why divorce happened for a marriage that began with deep romance and did not seem possible for the rift with two children in between. I had watched them swim like doves, wing to wing, inseparable every single day. There was no shade of doubt that their marriage was a fairy tale.

'We are divorced' is often spoken with ease than with a regret. The length of years in marriage does not seem to matter when divorce have to happen. The reasons are diverse, complex and often unjustifiable on either side of the accused.

There is one reason I have often heard people blame for causing the irreparable damage, and that is family intrusion into a marriage. And often the spouses point at their mother-in-laws for being the centerpiece of the trouble that loosens the knot.

When a wife listens to her mother for everything that happens in a marriage life, consults her for every inconveniences, seeking for interventions and amendments, it emboldens her to act accordingly, blinding her judgement. The marriage is often known to deteriorate gradually, and painfully, until disharmony leads to flaming of negative opinions and emotions. A good family soon is irreparably broken, leaving both lovers wounded and children castaway into the whirlwind of confusion. This is same for the man as well although fewer in case.

I have heard of several marriages that fell apart as a result of either spouses, mostly women, being swayed by their own parents. I could rather blame my mother than myself for berating and insinuating her expectations on me for the marriage I live.

How can I grow to taste the sweet fruits of a lasting marriage if I did not face the sourness in my marriage myself? The best answers to the worst differences in marriage are often within each of us, and it must take time to evolve. Divorce is not the perfect solution to anyone. It is the worst betrayal to the life of romance we began, and to the children who will unfortunately suffer the brunt of our impatience, misunderstanding and selfishness.

I had faced the brutality of divorce under circumstances I had no control, wrought by distance in years and ignorance. I wanted to hold on to my first family but nothing I said could redeem it. We were too naive then; I was just out of training college and she had begin to work at a private agency. We were some hundred kilometers apart, mountains between us. When differences and dissatisfaction becomes stronger, we tend to see our future the way we want it, and not the way it must unfold gracefully. How we began to live together becomes less rational.

We have this life to reckon, this life to linger. Divorce must in fact be the last choice of all things. The earlier we seek better pasture on misguided notions, the earlier we begin to suffer the lifelong pain of repentance.

There will be hundred reasons we think are justifiable for a divorce. We may believe that 'it is too much' and we have 'waited long enough.' How long do we live after a divorce? We do not live another fifty years to heal much, but we will have shattered lives we have made. It is inhumanely inconsiderate for us to have left our children to the lack of love and family for no fault of theirs. How unfortunate it is for the children born to this circumstance. Only those who have grown from the womb of broken family will understand the emptiness and hollow feelings.

No amount of wealth and comfort have been a best substitute for an absence of two spouses for our children. NEVER. Nevertheless, for those whose have gone through the unavoidable diversions, we must have the compassion and courage to balance life as beautifully as possible between past and the future. The balance is vital for those who have children walking in the shadows and those before us. Living a life of mutual understanding and courage forward is a potent healing for a broken past.

Having compelled by karma to live another marriage, I have been able to hold on beautifully to my wife, who came as a blessing three years after the first one shattered. I believe it’s a blessing only if we are able to hold on despite wild difference, finding similarities to trust and tender on in life.

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WHEN A POET IS ASKED IF HE IS A HAPPY BHUTANESE

It is huge question. We must be able to relate why we are happier than many, why we have to be proud as Bhutanese.

"Are you happy with your life as a Bhutanese?" A blatant question was thrown in after I shared something on philosophy of GNH to a Sri Lankan novelist. We were in a bus en route to our hotels at Delhi. It was October 2017 during a Literary Festival at Delhi.

Suddenly I was on the brink of deciding if I was unhappy at work or at home. Indecisive and slightly caught off guard, I paused; inhaling a gulp of polluted Delhi air.

"You mean am I happy?" I repeated a reversal, more as a measure to cuff in seconds for introspection than understanding of the question.

Then, like struck by blazing comet in the recess of my mind's expanse, answer escaped my lips. I felt a deep sense of justice in my extrapolation.

"Happiness is feeling sense of security, fearlessness and freedom wherever you stay. It is in everyone's conscience. Peace is almost a prevalent natural wealth, happiness and a visible aura on every Bhutanese people."

The novelist gazed at me with longing eyes. A question with a smear of doubt came, "But are you happy?"

My comet blazed with poetic pride.

"When I can walk the streets without fear,

when I can laugh with strangers without restraint,

when visiting hospitals and temples is without sectarian doubts, when I can sleep in the corridors like home,

when the only gunshots are monsoon thunder,

when explosions are a churning butter tea,

when ailing cries' find a lap on every neighbour,

when smile on the street is innate,

when tomorrow is a reality from the golden throne,

when democracy is a gift not a swag,

and when my unhappiness is only a question

why rest of the human beings are deprived the richness

Of happiness I own by fortune,

how can I not be a happy Bhutanese."

The answer I heard was, "You are so lucky to be born in Bhutan. I want to travel there one day." I welcomed with pride, and sat back as the bus we were travelling revved to a definite halt, fallen in love again to the land I belong to.

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‘SIY’ STARTLING REFLECTIONS FROM THIMPHU TECHPARK

 

“Today I realised my mistake. I thought I was always right in what I said. I have broken many relationships because of how I talked with them. My intent was for good, but I have been reactive. I was wrong. It was me who broke friendships!” Samten Choden, a Business Analyst at Thimphu TechPark sparked out her realisation.

Search Inside Yourself is a brainchild of one small man who dream to contribute towards world peace by reaching this training to at least 1 billion people. This small man is a software engineer. If a software engineer find profound meaning to live happier life by increasing emotional intelligence, it is not impossible for software intellectuals at the premier Information Technology organisation to redesign how emotionally happier they can live.

The two days’ SIY training on mindfulness and emotional intelligence organised on 2^nd and 3^rd April 2021 under the stewardship of CEO, Thimphu Tech Park, is a maiden journey into the minds and life of its employees. The park is the first among DHI companies to initiate the programme with support from RCSE, and perhaps first among corporate and private institutions. With a vision to reach SIY to all civil servants, RCSE began rolling the training across all Dzongkhag, facilitated by more than thirty trainers who were trained in 2017-2018 directly by proponents from SIY leadership institute, USA.

The CEO, Dr. Tshering Cigay Dorji, is undoubtedly an example of farsighted a leader. Dr. Cigay foresaw the need for his staff to have reflective session to understand emotion from a new perspective. It takes a leader of foresight and kindness to understand his team’s need to learn and transform to live more fulfilling and happier life. If leaders can envision best for the team, and do everything possible to initiate new ways to forge forward, with a heart to learn and unlearn from any sources, this is a signature of an outstanding leader.

“The feedbacks reported on social media after SIY programme from civil servants was compelling enough. I wasn’t wrong about the inspiring impact it would make.” “I do some meditation sometimes when I sit for prayer but I wasn’t clear about it. Now I know what I should begin with.” Dr. Cigay shared over the recess tea on the first day and intended to practice further in better ways.

“This programme was a timely session for the staff of TTPL. We are working on mega projects, against time and manpower, stressing the company intellectuals at work.”  Namgay Phuntsho, Director, with TTPL reflected on an optimistic note. The director envisioned to pursue preliminary Tersar practices soon, and after leaving service intend to take care of the feline community. SIY journelling session provided platform to verbalise his dream to make it tangible in future.

“Journeling exercise is indeed powerful. Our usual diary writing is a superficial information while journelling is reflective, drawing meaning from a deeper level. It helped me to discover values I was unaware of. It gives direction to life, by helping me identify my deeper strengths and weaknesses. It is a moment to internalise our thoughts.” Yadap, Manager, Application and Support Division.

After the self-compassion activity, Deki Yangzom, Assistant Manager in the Finance Office of TTPL shared that “ in whatever I wanted to do I was always insecure. I always worried about what others would say about what I do and what I say. I was concerned about other’s opinion than about my own intentions. Today I am deeply relieved that I must live my life with focus. I realise what I think about myself has greater impact on the quality of my life. Others’ opinion should not drive my moods and become obstacles in my life.”

Nandal Kumar Gurung, Software Developer, confessed; “I had learnt mindfulness meditation during school but had neither clear understanding nor interest to practice as a lifelong skill. It was just a school discipline then. If I was asked what mindfulness is meditation by anyone, I wouldn’t have been able to explain at all. Now I can tell how mindfulness can be practiced and what it is about.”

“I was living a stressful life. My job is stressful but I have never realised that it was hurting my health. When I focussed attention on the breath, breathing in and out, I felt less stressful. I calmed by restless thoughts.” Kezang Choden, a Software Engineer said.

And I thought, if software engineer can breakdown into tears, if they can feel the need for reassessing themselves after SIY, any other professionals undoubtedly need this moment of truth. The sense of making contribution towards nation building by inspiring and impacting intellectuals who are pillars of our nation is immensely fulfilling. It was even more fulfilling when the participants reflects that the SIY training had touched their conscience bringing deeper revolution, self- realization and new foresight into drawing greater sense of happiness and wellbeing in their life.

 

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SIY- A TRAINING TO PAUSE EVERYDAY

The race of life we live is a race to seek happiness and wellbeing in our home or work life, but the race never seems to end, happiness become a fleeting experience. Often our race for happiness is sought for by racing irrationally, erratically and aggressively. There was never a moment we felt like we need to pause between breaths, to calm down, to become attentive to rigours of life drawn by circumstances around us. Even our prayers time and pilgrimage meant to be a moment of breaking away to a freedom of rest and leisure becomes a race.

We say, ‘in the interest of time’ we shall move faster, compromising the very idea of seeking freedom and space to heal and be happy. We remain driven by our grosser feelings of dissatisfaction, of restlessness and agitation into a momentum that is akin to feather in the windstorm of emotional catastrophe.

Even conversations we have with our spouses and work mates are catastrophic. We talk about other people, other events and others ideas, we rarely talk about ourselves, about what we do and how we should do. Our ways of rejoicing inner fulfillment is sought from a distorted opinion and ways we live.

Neither the teaching we received from Lama nor the trainings we sat through have changed our inner life. Few have, few who at the prime age begins their spiritual journey, but many are on the race. 

Race is the only normal ways we live. And race alienate us from ourselves, from social connections and from beauty of the world around us. The race is necessary, but this race must have pauses. Search Inside Yourself is a race that helps us to pause, finding space of calm and care we can give to ourselves. It is not merely a meditation session, but a session that draws from neuroscience and Buddhist values to bring emotional intelligence competencies to train our ways of living a fulfilling life.

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